Rants & Raves

Ah, tis the season to be merry, to party, to visit New York City, to see the ball drop in Times Square. I’d rather see it on TV in a warm apartment while drinking with friends, but to each his own. There are many things New Yorkers don’t do until they’re with friends from out of town.

So to all those tourists out there, welcome. Spend lots of money here, take your pictures, have fun. The problem is that you guys don’t know whether you’re New Yorkers or tourists – and that’s a big problem. So here’s my Tourist Guide to Surviving NYC.

First, we all know that you’re tourists. We don’t walk in groups of 10 unless we’re part of a school group. (Most of us) try not to take up the entire sidewalk and we don’t walk at a snail’s pace. The clothing you teens are wearing may impress you’re friends at home, but here it usually screams “Tourist!” And don’t think you’re cool cause you’re not wearing a jacket. It’s been a warm winter, but it’s still in the 40′s.

Now that we’ve established that you’re tourists (and there’s nothing wrong with that,) stop trying to be New Yorkers. That red blinking hand near the stop lights on every corner? That means Don’t Walk. NYC changed the signs so people who couldn’t read English could still cross safely. Sheer numbers of you won’t stop the cars trying to run you over. New Yorkers have gotten jaywalking down to an art, and unless you’ve been here a while, you’re still a novice. Running out in the middle of the street only to run back when a car rushes out at you is very stupid, especially if you have little children with you.

If you’re going to take pictures, gawk at the homeless man, look at a map, etc., please do it off to the side. I know that can be difficult at times, but that’s why God made postcards. And if you’re going in the wrong direction, another block ain’t gonna hurt you. How do you get lost in midtown anyway? It’s a grid system. Not only that, but all the streets and avenues are numbered. You’ll find out really early on if you’re going in the wrong direction. Times Square – a little iffy. But what about 53rd and 7th is so difficult?

So you’re reading this and you still decide you want to be a New Yorker? OK, I’ll play along. What do New Yorkers do with puddles? We jump over them. We don’t squeal and get our boyfriend to save us. We just jump. If we can’t jump, we go around. We navigate puddles every time it snows here, you can jump over one, albeit dirty, little body of water.

We also don’t wear “I (heart) NY” paraphernalia. New Yorkers love NYC. That’s why we’re still here. Where else can you have dinner at 8, start drinking at 11, catch a cab at 3 and still get a slice at your favorite pizzeria? I certainly can’t get enough. If you want to be a New Yorker, wear all that stuff at home.

I hope you have a continued good stay in the Big Apple. I hear New Year’s Eve is supposed to be cold, but bearable, so bundle up. Just please be careful so that we don’t have to become the stereotypical New Yorkers everyone’s afraid of. Thank you.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 27th, 2006 at 8:26 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.