Happy New Year!
Ah, tis the season to be merry, to party, to visit New York City, to see the ball drop in Times Square. I’d rather see it on TV in a warm apartment while drinking with friends, but to each his own. There are many things New Yorkers don’t do until they’re with friends from out of town.
So to all those tourists out there, welcome. Spend lots of money here, take your pictures, have fun. The problem is that you guys don’t know whether you’re New Yorkers or tourists - and that’s a big problem. So here’s my Tourist Guide to Surviving NYC.
First, we all know that you’re tourists. We don’t walk in groups of 10 unless we’re part of a school group. (Most of us) try not to take up the entire sidewalk and we don’t walk at a snail’s pace. The clothing you teens are wearing may impress you’re friends at home, but here it usually screams “Tourist!” And don’t think you’re cool cause you’re not wearing a jacket. It’s been a warm winter, but it’s still in the 40’s.
Now that we’ve established that you’re tourists (and there’s nothing wrong with that,) stop trying to be New Yorkers. That red blinking hand near the stop lights on every corner? That means Don’t Walk. NYC changed the signs so people who couldn’t read English could still cross safely. Sheer numbers of you won’t stop the cars trying to run you over. New Yorkers have gotten jaywalking down to an art, and unless you’ve been here a while, you’re still a novice. Running out in the middle of the street only to run back when a car rushes out at you is very stupid, especially if you have little children with you.
If you’re going to take pictures, gawk at the homeless man, look at a map, etc., please do it off to the side. I know that can be difficult at times, but that’s why God made postcards. And if you’re going in the wrong direction, another block ain’t gonna hurt you. How do you get lost in midtown anyway? It’s a grid system. Not only that, but all the streets and avenues are numbered. You’ll find out really early on if you’re going in the wrong direction. Times Square - a little iffy. But what about 53rd and 7th is so difficult?
So you’re reading this and you still decide you want to be a New Yorker? OK, I’ll play along. What do New Yorkers do with puddles? We jump over them. We don’t squeal and get our boyfriend to save us. We just jump. If we can’t jump, we go around. We navigate puddles every time it snows here, you can jump over one, albeit dirty, little body of water.
We also don’t wear “I (heart) NY” paraphernalia. New Yorkers love NYC. That’s why we’re still here. Where else can you have dinner at 8, start drinking at 11, catch a cab at 3 and still get a slice at your favorite pizzeria? I certainly can’t get enough. If you want to be a New Yorker, wear all that stuff at home.
I hope you have a continued good stay in the Big Apple. I hear New Year’s Eve is supposed to be cold, but bearable, so bundle up. Just please be careful so that we don’t have to become the stereotypical New Yorkers everyone’s afraid of. Thank you.
12/18/2006
Oh, by the way…
You’re probably tired of hearing about my woes by now, but apparently I’m not registered to vote anymore. I’ve lived in the same place for close to three years now, I was able to vote before in this neighborhood, I even get voting information before the election. I got notification on Friday that my vote was not counted.
I wrote a lengthy, but concise, e-mail to the Board of Elections (to the same person I’ve written to before.) I’m so proud of myself - the missive was very professional and not a curse word to be found! Of course I’m pissed, but if I conduct myself maturely, only…good…can come out of this.
I’m also going to register again and I have asked for a hard copy of my approved registration so that I can show anyone who cares that damn it, my voice will be heard.
Wow, that horse seems to be getting higher and higher. I better get off…
12/18/2006
Sofa saga
So a few days ago, maybe Thursday, someone in my apartment building decided to take his or her couch out to the garbage. Because you’re supposed to call the Department of Sanitation to make a special pickup, the regular trash pickup left it alone. No one even picked it up for their own, which is the only efficient recycling in New York City. So there it sat and got rained on, got trash thrown on it, etc.
Fast forward to very early Sunday morning. Adam and I were coming back from a party and I do believe that nothing had happened to it (other than the elements.) It was a cream colored sofa, and it was hard to miss in front of our building. Later that day, my friend came by to pick up something from us and mentioned that there was a burnt mattress in front of the building. I went downstairs and found that, yes, someone had torched this sofa that had been there for half a week. Either that or carelessly threw a lit cigarette in that direction and the sofa caught on fire. The really horrible part is that someone’s car had been damaged in the fire. It wasn’t too much - the paint on the doors was gone, the windows on that side were gone, and the side mirror was broken. It could have been much worse - it missed the gas tank by maybe 6 inches.
Sunday evening - I come back from a meeting and find that the car is still there but the super moved the burnt husk over to in front of the next car over so he could put the trash in front of our building. I find it funny that the city enforces laws such as “don’t put your trash anywhere but in front of your building between certain hours” but can’t seem to get the hang of “don’t run red lights, thereby almost running over innocent people,” but that’s just me.
Anyhoo, the trash was waiting for pickup this morning when I left for work. The car had been moved, probably to the dealer or a garage. This evening, when I came back, the trash was gone and the remains of this poor sofa were back in front of the building. I don’t know if the super did it, or if the trashmen remembered that it was ours and moved it, in which case, that was very thoughtful of them…
So what happens now? The DOS still won’t pick it up. The super doesn’t know what to do with it. Whoever put it out in the first place certainly didn’t know what to do with it. Our landlord probably doesn’t even know about it, and won’t until he gets fined by the city. The owner of that car can’t press charges since no one knows what happened. Obviously the fire wasn’t extinguished by the fire department (a few blocks from my apartment) or else there would have been some kind of inquiry and the area would have been cleaned up.
Saga to be continued…
12/6/2006
Anyone who unnecessarily honks their horn…
…should get it shoved up their ass so no one else has to hear it.
I now take you back to your regularly scheduled Internet viewing.