Rants & Raves

This past week or so has been incredibly frustrating travel-wise. I thought maybe it was a full moon, but that’s not going to happen for another two weeks. Maybe New Yorkers need a refresher course in how to act like human beings when traveling by subway. And so I present the New Yorker’s Guide to Subway Ettiquette:

Stairs
Don’t stand in front of the stairs to finish your cell phone conversation, your cigarette, or to talk to your friend. Don’t stand in the stairway either. I understand that if it’s cold, a stairway will block the wind, but if there are people going up and down, get out of the way!

If you have gone the wrong way, or have forgotten something, that’s all right. Just don’t stop in the middle of the stairway to turn around. Please walk to the head or foot of the stairs and turn around there. It may take a few more seconds, but think of all the time it saves others since they don’t have to pile up while you figure out what you want to do.

Please walk on the right hand side of the stairs, especially if there is only space for two people side-by-side. Why should I get punished by your elbows because you’re blocking people from going in the other direction? Most train station entrances are made to ease traffic flow if people walk on the right (and correct) side. If I find you walking on the left side when I’m going in the opposite direction, don’t be surprised if I take my fair share by pushing you aside. Exceptions include the elderly and people with disabilities – those of us who need the left banister to walk safely up and down the stairs.

You know when you’re running down the stairs to try to catch a train, and find out it’s not the one you want? Don’t suddenly stop because you don’t have to rush anymore. If you do so, don’t be surprised if I fall on you because I’m assuming that you’ll continue to run all the way down the stairs. Sub-rule: Don’t make me break my neck because you want to catch the train that’s just closed its doors and won’t let you on anyway.

Speaking of falling, please hold onto the banister at all feasible times, especially if you’re about to leap two steps at a time. I’m pretty strong, but I don’t think I can hold you if you fall, so woe to the person at the foot of the stairs.

Platform
Do me a favor. I’m young – I don’t deserve a heart attack because you decide to stand on the edge of the platform. There are too many crazies out there pushing people for no reason, and if you’re going to fall onto the tracks, make sure it’s at a time when my train won’t be stopped, OK?

Why are you going to litter when there is a trash can five feet away? You’re carrying the world in your many bags, and yet you can’t find a space for the straw wrapper that you dropped on the ground? You do know that that’s how track fires are started – when litter falls onto the tracks and gets ignited. I’ve seen it once and gotten held up by them many times. Which would you rather have, the fire department putting out a fire in your building or having to put out a fire on the tracks because you’re lazy?

Train
First and foremost: I don’t like your music. I will never like your music. So don’t share it with me. If you want to go deaf prematurely, go right ahead, but don’t involve me. I don’t like being able to hear your music on top of mine. Part of the problem is those ear buds – they let out more sound than they keep in. And for the love of all that is good in this world, don’t sing along! Chances are you’re off key. Mouthing the words is fine, dancing in place is fine too, just don’t sing. And please don’t bang your ring on a hard surface. You may like it, but it’s really annoying to the rest of us. Apparently, all of this is also an MTA violation.

If you’re a spreader, clinger or leaner, listen up – cease and desist! Guys, if your sperm are in so much danger that sitting with you’re legs together for half an hour will damage them, you have more problems than you think. Don’t think that I want to touch your skanky-ass jeans with my slacks, or *shudder* bare legs, so don’t spread ‘em.

Clinging or leaning against the poles just takes away precious space on crowded trains. If you lean against a pole, don’t be surprised if you find my knuckles against your back. And believe me, I will try my hardest to dig them in, just for you. If you lean against the door, don’t give me a dirty look when I laugh at you for stumbling when the doors open.

I know that, other than an actual seat, the area in front of the doors is prime real estate. I know you want it no matter what. Tough shit. You’re an adult, get over it. You won’t always get your way. Get out of the frickin’ way to let people off and on the train. If you really want your space back, step out of the train but keep your arm in your space. People usually know that you want that space back, and, unless they’re morons, they’ll appreciate that you moved to let them in. If you don’t move, don’t be surprised when I elbow you on my way out. That also goes for those of you who can’t wait for people to exit before you get on. I really can’t understand this when you rush to get on and it’s not to get a seat.

Once you’re on the train, don’t think your responsibility is over. Get out of the way so that other people can get on. I’ve found that the middle of the train is sometimes empty because people are crowding around the doors. Hey, more room for me, but don’t prevent me from getting on the train when there is plenty of space.

If you’re a tall person, and space allows, don’t use the pole in front of the doors. There are people who can’t reach the crossbars at the top of the train, and here you are, hogging the only safe way for them to travel. You’ll get out of the train when your stop comes, you don’t have to be incredibly close to the doors.

If the train is crowded, please don’t push your way to the doors when your stop is coming. If it’s a major stop, chances are half the train is getting off with you. If you’re getting off at a smaller stop, say (or yell) “Excuse me” and people will move out of the way. Saying “Getting off!” elicits the response “Good for you.” What do you want me to do? If “Excuse me” doesn’t work, then push; you’ve done all you could.

Most importantly: In a crowded train, don’t succumb to the urge to grope the pretty girl in front of you. If you’re lucky, all you’ll get is a loud, humiliating verbal scolding. Otherwise, you could get an elbow in the gut, or worse, a painful squeeze of the genitals on top of the verbal scolding. Of course, we don’t want to touch your organ, so it’ll probably be the elbow. Either way, hands off!

All this can be summed up in three basic rules (applicable to much more than just the subway system):
1. Think of how you would feel if these things were being done to you. Stop and think before you do something.
2. You’re not the only person in this world. If you were, you would be pretty lonely. Remember that when you act like you do.
3. Courtesy works! Remember all the times your day has been off-kilter because someone bugged you just enough?

Thank you for your time.